Is This Your First?

I would be standing in line at the grocery store.  Or waiting for an elevator.  Or buying lunch.  It would happen.

A stranger (who would be pointedly staring at my belly) would ask, "When are you due?"  That question would be followed in quick succession by several others.  Almost always the same questions, in the same order.

"Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?"

And always

"Is this your first?"

That one always stopped me.  What would make them ask that, I wondered.  Why did that seem like such an important question to everyone?

A few days ago, I saw a woman standing in a line, rubbing her belly.  I smiled at her.  "When are you due?" I asked.

"Do you know what you're having?"

And then, it almost slipped out: "Is this your first?"

Surprised, I stopped myself before I said it.  But suddenly, I understood.  I knew why all those people had asked me.

I think I used to be a little put off by the question because I felt like I was being judged by people who thought they were way more experienced parents and knew way more than me.  I felt like they looked at me like I didn't have a clue what was coming.  But that's not really what it is. 

Those people actually did know more than me, and I actually didn't have a clue what was coming.  But they weren't asking because they wanted to point out how naive I was.  Now I think they were asking because, when it's your first, everyone wants to be the person to throw you the lifeline.  Other parents think back on those early days of parenthood (though they can be hard to remember through the fog) and grasp desperately to give you the one piece of advice that might save you.  That might dry your tears at two in the morning.  That might calm your fears that you're not doing a good enough job.  But in that brief moment in the grocery store, or the elevator, or in line, they can't.  The experience of being a parent is too big, the words, too small.  

So they ask if it's your first.  They smile a warm, knowing smile.  They wish they could offer more, but they can't really.  They know you'll figure it out.

And then one day, not that far down the road, you'll see the pregnant stranger.  You'll wonder if she's already a parent and if she knows what awaits her.  Because (by then) you'll know.  You'll want to say something helpful.  Something supportive and encouraging.  But you have to start somewhere.

"Is it your first?"