Mall Meltdown

(** I wrote this quite a while ago, and I know you said you were at the mall the other day and it sounds like it all went great.  But I thought I would still include it... Just in case...**)

I've always noticed babies. I can't help it -- it's who I am. And one of the places babies seem to be everywhere you look is the mall. I would see moms pushing their their chubby smiling babies around the mall and think "One day, that will be me". And I couldn't wait.

Fast forward.

Jack is just over two weeks old and Jess is visiting from Ottawa. She wants to get herself some new running shoes and I am looking for some more nursing shirts, so we decide to head to Market Mall. It was my first real outing with Jack (at least one that wasn't with Jahn) and I was excited to finally be one of those moms I always saw. People would be cooing at my baby. My perfect (still very brand new) baby. 

The mall wasn't very busy, since it was a Thursday morning in the middle of September. Jack was happily snoozing in his car seat in the stroller. And just as I hoped, people were smiling at me and telling me how beautiful my baby was. The first five minutes were bliss. Then reality hit. Jess wanted to check out H&M. While she shopped, I tried to keep the stroller moving to keep Jack asleep. Unfortunately, Jack was having none of it. He woke up and wanted out. Like, NOW.  I picked him up, gave him a soother, and he snuggled right in. But that's when I started noticing it: The noise. The smells. The lights. All the people. I started to feel panicky. Jess finished and we left the store. I felt a bit better out in the main part of the mall.

We headed for the food court, where Jack decided he was hungry, too. I felt the wave of panic again. I was going to have to change and nurse him in public. With all the noise and the germs and the lights and the people. I did it, but by the time I was done, I was exhausted.

Next, it was on to look for shoes. Jess had a hard time deciding -- these ones or these ones? Hmmmm..... Maybe these ones? Or those ones... Jack started to squawk again. I could feel myself losing it. We needed to leave. Like, NOW. I took some deep breaths. I took Jack back out of his stroller. Finally, shoes were chosen and we got to leave. Once I got the car seat and stroller loaded into the car and started driving, I vowed silently never to set foot in the mall again.

Of course, I don't think I stuck to that for more than a few days (in fact, I went back to Market Mall the following Monday with my mom and felt much better). The funny thing is, when I was pregnant, a co-worker of mine told me about leaving a mall in tears with her very new baby and her mom because she just couldn't take it. When she told me the story, I secretly thought she must have been a bit nuts. But suddenly, standing panicked in Market Mall, I totally got it. I have since talked to lots other moms who tell me almost the same story. I still can't tell you why exactly I felt the way I did. I think it had something to do with seeing for the first time just how vulnerable my baby was, and knowing I was the one responsible for making everything ok.

Either way, if you find yourself having a small panic attack in a mall with your brand new baby, you're not alone. Take a deep breath, and just leave if you need to. You're not crazy.  

And don't worry -- you will get to be one of those moms in the mall.